A Love Letter to the El Paso GOP (You're Welcome)
So consider this your official GOP rundown. And yes, Republicans of El Paso - you should be sending me a thank you card, because this blog post will be the most voters hear about any of you between now and November. I've reviewed your side's social media landscape, and let me just say: it's a barren wasteland. There are basically zero effective or credible influencers on the GOP side in El Paso that even come close to the reach of their Democratic counterparts.
You're welcome.
Now, let's talk about the talent - and I use that word so loosely it needs a chiropractor.
The Congressional Clown Car
Where do we begin? The GOP congressional runoff is a two-man race between a septuagenarian with a sex-and-corruption problem and a white guy who hates immigrants. Democracy, baby!
I'm talking, of course, about Manny Barraza - former disgraced judge - and Adam Bauman, a former Border Patrol agent. These two are currently engaged in what I can only describe as a slightly homoerotic dance called a Trump-off, where both men compete to see who can kiss the ring harder without dislocating a shoulder.
Here's the problem for whichever one of them wins: November is coming.
If it's Bauman - the white border patrol agent - he will become the living, breathing embodiment of every anti-ICE sentiment in the electorate. He won't need opposition research; his whole biography is the opposition research.
If it's Barraza - well, he's about as exciting as a foreign documentary without subtitles. Oh, and he has all the baggage. The carry-on, the checked bags, and the oversized item they made him pay extra for at the gate.
Either way, whichever poor sucker wins that runoff is headed straight for an epic beatdown in November. The only question is the margin.
A Special Shoutout to DMB
I would be deeply remiss if I didn't take a moment to honor Deliris Montañez Barrios, who goes by the initials DMB.
As I have said before, and will say again: you can't spell DUMB without DMB.
She finished dead last in an already talent-starved GOP congressional field. And yet - I genuinely hope she never goes away. She is great comic relief. She's the political equivalent of a pratfall: you see it coming, it happens anyway, and somehow it's still funny every single time.
She joins a proud lineage of El Paso GOP entertainment that includes the guy who used to always run for Congress and lived with his mom - rotating through costumes like a cowboy, a Boy Scout, and what I believe was one Village Person short of a full set - and the legendary Jorge Artalejo.
If you remember those guys, it's time to schedule your colonoscopy.
The County Judge Race: A Study in Emptiness
Moving on to the GOP County Judge race, which featured Guadalupe Giner and Minerva Torres Shelton.
I actually sat down with both of them - spent over an hour each, one-on-one. I know what you're thinking: why didn't you write about it sooner? Because those conversations were off the record. But I will say this: it takes guts to sit down with the Arch Duke of Democrats and ask for his time. Both of them showed up alone, no entourage, no handlers. That is genuinely commendable.
What was not commendable was what happened after they sat down.
Neither one wanted to touch policy with a ten-foot pole.
Giner - look, somewhere inside her there is a semblance of a policy agenda. I'm convinced of it. She's just treating it like it's classified. Like the Epstein list. Locked in a vault, eyes-only, do not ask. She ran as an independent and got blown out. Then she had a change of heart, ran as a Republican, and got blown out again. Her political career has reached its logical and predictable end.
Of the two, she was far more intelligent and far more qualified - even accounting for the fact that she hasn't really held a job in a while.
Which tells you everything you need to know about Minerva Shelton.
Shelton is an empty suit. And I mean that clinically. She has zero - zero - policy knowledge. Doesn't know the county budget. Doesn't know the major policy challenges. Doesn't seem to know what the County Judge actually does. My kid knows more about county policy than Minerva Shelton, and my kid is not running for office.
But here's the thing about being empty: it's actually her superpower. She morphs into whatever the room wants to hear. She rolls through San Elizario promising great things — investment, programs, community goodies - while simultaneously telling everyone else she's going to cut their taxes. How, you ask? Great question! There is no answer, because there is no plan. There's just a smile and a handshake and whatever the audience needs to hear.
Now look - I know Samaniego has made a lot of people angry. I know there are Democrats who won't vote for him.
I get it.
But whether it was Giner or Shelton, both of them are Trumpophiles, and both of them are dangerous for this community.
So if you don't like Samaniego - undervote. Leave the line blank. You still send him the same message, but you don't hand that office to someone who has no idea what to do with it.
That being said - Minerva was, and still is - far more qualified for Sheriff than Oscar Ugarte.
Wrong Way Perez: A Man Who Doesn't Know His Own District
And now we arrive at my absolute FAVORITE candidate on the entire GOP ticket: Humberto "Wrong Way" Perez.
I baptized him with that name myself, and I stand by it.
Here's the story: Humberto spent weeks following Mary Gonzalez around - on the very rare occasions she was actually in her district - convinced he was going to run against her.
He talked a big game. Had a lot to (rightfully) criticize her about.
He filed the paperwork. The GOP accepted his application. Everyone did the whole song and dance.
And then he got a letter from the state of Texas informing him that he doesn't actually live in her district.
He lives in State Rep Vince Perez's district.
Let that sink in. This man wants to represent El Paso voters - and he doesn't know enough about El Paso to know who his own state representative is.
He's from New York. He talks about bleeding Texas while carrying an accent so thick you could spread it on a bagel from a bodega in Queens. And he doesn't even know what district he lives in. That is not a man who wants to serve his community. That is a man who wants a title.
I heard he's been implying that State Rep Vince Perez is ducking him at candidate forums. Brother - careful what you wish for. Vince Perez is the kind of guy who leaves a mark when he debates someone. Homeboy is about to catch a Bel Air Beatdown.
The Annual GOP Hype Season (It Won't Work)
Every year around this time, something fascinating happens in El Paso Republican circles. They get hyped up. They congregate in their conservative echo chamber and engage in an elaborate circle jerk of mutual reassurance, convincing each other that this is the year.
This is the year they win something meaningful.
This is the year El Paso finally turns red.
Social media fills up with testosterone-soaked declarations about owning the libs, Demonrats, libtards, and all the other creative vocabulary their movement has cultivated. Their comment sections overflow with confidence.
And then the first Wednesday in November arrives.
And they realize - again - that they are the loud minority.
Rinse and repeat.
Every Republican on the ticket in El Paso will be lucky to crack the low 40s. Most won't break 40 at all. The majority will float somewhere in the mid-30s.
That's their ceiling.
But honestly? They should be less worried about El Paso and more worried about what's brewing statewide. There is a trend coming that they don't see - because they're too busy in the echo chamber to notice the weather changing.
Stay tuned.
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