“Who’s on First?” EPSO Edition

You ever have one of those moments where you’re like, “Damn, maybe we really are living in a sitcom”? That was the El Paso County Courthouse today — except nobody was laughing.

Word on the marble floors is that a few judges nearly needed new robes after the Sheriff’s Office pulled another episode of Keystone Cops: Border Edition.

Here’s the gist: apparently, a soldier showed up to the courthouse with a weapon. Yeah, you read that right — armed and inside the courthouse. And before you start clutching your pearls, yes, he turned out to be CID (Army Criminal Investigation Division) escorting a family. So the dude was legit. But the real story here isn’t him — it’s how our so-called courthouse security handled it.

Or more accurately… how they didn’t.

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So, Bailiff Supervisor gets a call from a Lt. who got the info from a Sgt., who supposedly cleared the guy, but didn’t tell the other deputies. Then Bailiff Supervisor calls a courtroom to tell them a soldier with a gun is on his way - except they told the Bailiff Supervisor the wrong courtroom.

That’s right. The guy never even showed up there.

Meanwhile, nobody radios the bailiffs. 

Nobody confirms if the dude is even supposed to be there. 

No description. 

No location. 

No “all clear.” 

Nada. 

For all they knew, there could’ve been an armed stranger wandering the courthouse for 20 minutes - and the people whose literal job it is to keep the place safe were out here playing Telephone instead of Security.

Bruh.

You know it’s bad when the judges — the ones wearing bulletproof patience for a living — start saying they don’t feel safe in their own courthouse.

This whole circus falls under the watch of Sheriff Oscar Ugarte, who, let’s be real, is more likely to be spotted doing security at The Pueblo or announcing DUI checkpoints named after himself on Facebook than actually being at the courthouse he’s supposed to protect.

I swear, the man treats courthouse safety like a side gig. Maybe he’s waiting for the next TikTok trend: “Courthouse Insecurity Challenge.”

And look, the bailiffs? Half of them are doing their best. But when the chain of command has more egos than common sense, not enough radios, and zero standard operating procedure - it’s a recipe for chaos.

The fact that there’s still no standard operating procedure for situations like this - in 2025 - is insane. You’d think after decades of “lessons learned,” someone would’ve learned something. This was required by a law that was passed 7 years ago. Urgarte wasn't in charge for that entire time - but he's in charge now - and if this doesn't motivate them to comply with the law, then we have a serious problem with our sheriff.

But chale.

Instead, we’re relying on vibes and walkie-talkies from 1998.

And while they’re fumbling the handoff, the rest of us are supposed to just hope the next armed guy walking in “means well”? 

Please.

I'll say the quiet part out loud: soldiers and law enforcement are statistically more likely to be involved in domestic violence incidents. So, the next time someone shows up with a gun, maybe - just maybe - we communicate with the right people first?

This wasn’t just a miscommunication. It was a masterclass in incompetence. A perfect storm of ego, laziness, and poor leadership. It's also disrespectful to the bailiffs. Most of them are retired law enforcement - so they usually have more experience than the deputies!

And before anyone starts clutching their badge in defense — no, I’m not anti-cop. I’m anti-stupid.

The good news? The soldier was legit. 

The bad news? Our courthouse security plan isn’t. 

And until Sheriff Ugarte decides to spend less time playing celebrity cop and more time fixing his house, we’re one miscommunication away from a real tragedy.

El Paso deserves better than a sheriff who moonlights while the courthouse fumbles.

So, to the Sheriff and his merry band of mismanagers — maybe next time, before we panic the judges and make everyone look bad, we try something new: communicate.

It’s not that hard. Even the ice cream man’s got better coordination.