Nico Dominguez: Praying to St Anthony for Votes

Some folks collect stamps. Some folks collect Funko Pops. Nico Dominguez?

That vato collects election losses.

And let me tell you — he’s got the premium, limited edition, holographic set. At this point the guy’s campaign résumé looks like one of those CVS receipts that’s three feet longer than necessary and full of coupons nobody will ever use.

But here he comes again, running for Justice of the Peace - otra vez. I genuinely lost count of how many campaigns this man has launched, crashed, and burned. City council, school board, statewide office, Pope… I don’t know. If there was an election for Official Guy Who Never Wins, he’d still come in second to Sam Morgan - who is now running as a Republican.

Yes - Nico would lose to Sam Morgan - in the valley - with Sam Morgan running as a Republican...

And I swear to God, Nico has that BlueChew energy - not in the sexy way, but in the overly confident even though nothing actually works way. The man is political Erectile Dysfunction personified. If losing campaigns were a fetish, this man would need therapy and a safe word - which would be "Pink Panther".

And what really kills me - what REALLY crashes me out - is the confidence this dude has giving campaign advice to actual candidates. It’s like being lectured on fitness by the dude eating Takis and Dr Pepper for breakfast outside a Velero gas station.

Bro, you look like Inspector Clouseau from the Pink Panther decided to go Mexican. You’re out here trying to solve the case of the missing votes - spoiler alert: they were never yours.

Look, I respect people who chase their dreams. Go for it. Run. Put your name on the ballot, Foo. Follow your passion. I’m rooting for you.

But at some point, someone has to pull you aside and say:

“Hey homes, no disrespect eh, but… your dream doesn’t like you back.”

Because Nina Serna - the JP in Montana Vista, she’s gonna mop the floor with him.

She’s gonna beat him like a rug on spring cleaning day.

She’s gonna turn this primary into a TED Talk titled “How To Lose a Race Without Really Trying — Featuring Nico as the Demonstration.”

Nico out here acting like there’s a punch card for losing campaigns. Like after 10 losses, he gets a free bar tab at Mamacita’s in Clint and maybe a scratch-off ticket that wins him $5.

Hell, I bet he already has signs printed for his next loss in 2026. And 2028. And 2030. He probably buys them in bulk at this point. “Dominguez for Something - Just Fill In the Office Later.”

Look, I’ll give Nico this:

He’s persistent.

He’s consistent.

He’s delusional.

But hey - he’s El Paso’s very own political piñata: colorful, hollow, and always getting whacked.