Twas the Night Before Christmas ... El Paso Political Version...

I'm not a poet. I'm really not that creative either.

But I've been telling myself for a long time that I need to do an El Paso political version of Twas the Night Before Christmas. It doesn't tell a story, because like I said, I'm not really good at it. Its more a collection of rhymes about elected officials and candidates. Some of it might not make sense unless you are a frequent reader or if you really politically dialed in.

If you are mentioned in this and get mad about it, its a sign you need to chill the hell out. Its only meant to be humor, so don't be a sour puss. That being said, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to seek political asylum in Fabens, somewhere near the rooster. (That's two Fabens Rooster references in a week if you are keeping score).

Here we go...

'Twas the Night Before Christmas...Chuco Style

Twas the Night before Christmas and all through El Paso,

politicians were in trouble, elections were a hassle.

The ballots were hung in the voting booth with care,

In hopes that a decent candidate, soon would be there.

The voters were nestled all snug in the Valley;

Where corrupt politicians take bribes in the alley.

Vince Perez in suspenders and Chente at a Pachanga,

with a chola from Segundo, wearing baggy pants and a tonga.

When from Commissioner's Court there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the Lion's Den to see what was the matter.

Over to the internet I flew like a flash,

flipped open my laptop, and almost dropped my stash.

The big shots were huddled all around the newly-drawn maps,

“They're taking away Fort Bliss!” and El Pasoans yelled, “Oh crap!”

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But lines that don't remove Fort Bliss, its staying right here!

“Then who is confused about the lines?” pregunto primo Huero,

“Pues Commissioner's Court, and County Judge Vero.

Huero said, “That's really funny and a little bit silly,

the vote woulda been unanimous, but as usual, no one could find Willie.

Vero said “Where the hell is Willie? We've seen hide nor hair..”,

missing in action again, leaving the Valley an empty chair.

And up to the mic jumped his good friend Dora,

“I'm not campaigning on County time, this is my lunch hora!”

People in the Valley,

Don't ignore what ol' LionStar toldya,

Lets not forget Precinct 3's not just Vince, Chente, and Dora,

There's still the The Other Guy...what's his name?

Oh yeah, Rudy Loya!

Another valley race, we won't want to miss,

why its the open seat, in the good ol' 75^th.

Gandara, Gonzalez, Enriquez, and Art,

strap in folks, the funs about to start.

Chased from Commissioner's Court, now running for rep,

Willie's in and Enriquez has stumbled, from his very first steps.

Art Frierro's the nice guy who enjoys exotic beers,

And Gonzalez is new to El Paso, she from Austin and just moved here.

Over at Council Ortega's waiting in long lines,

Forcing El Pasoans, to hear him bitch, moan and whine.

Susie Byrd's taking credit for freeing some gringo,

while his Chicano homie is still locked up, playing prison bingo.

“Holguin's the People's Rep” the Valley says all together in unity,

betcha didn't know, he and Cortney Niland both live in gated communities.

Acosta stops the meeting to explain how she's votin'

90 minutes later she's still talking and everyone one snorin'.

Mayor Cook stands up and starts strummin' his guitar

and a year later and Carl Robinson can finally drive his car!

Cook shouted, “This vote is important people, don't caste it all whilly-nilly,

Good Lord, will someone please wake up old Ann Morgan Lily?”

Oh, and State Reps, don't think for a minute I forgot ya,

someone tell Dee Margo you don't heat-up Horchata.

He's drinking it in a coffee mug, wearing his trademark big frown,

He should be happy, he's now Mexican, he can dance, and his skin color is brown!

Under the Christmas tree lies a big present for Rep Naomi,

Its no opponent, and fat contribution from the TLR, her Republican homies.

Her BFF Marisa says “What about me? Que pasa?”

She got lucky, her opponent isn't from here, and his last name's Barraza.

And let's not forget the Head Master Joe Pickett,

He drew his own district lines, and tol' the rest of the delegation to “stick it”!

Come listen closely to what I have to say,

trust every word of it, I'm a “prominent local DJ”.

Senator Rodriguez has voters excited at a big political rally,

someone remind him he represents the 915, not the South Texas Valley!

And the race that's got our political hearts all a'quiver,

the Congressional Race, between Betoand Silver.

Yes, I know there's Ben Mendoza and Tilghman,

but them in Congress is as wrong as a bar full of children.

Crazy ol' Ben has has cowboy hat and whistle enabled,

While Tilghman sits waiting at the “community conference table”.

Reyes and Beto fight it out with headlines and conflict,

but first lets figure out where to draw the lines in the district.

HD 78 will be a tough campaign and high costin'

But come November, Chuco will send Smokin' Joe back to Austin!

When politics gets boring tune in to the Fox's Vic and Jo-Jo,

or if you prefer Spanish, El Matute con su “hijo le no!”

And let's not forget the political has-beens that need attention and grand-stand.

We don't want you anymore, you don't matter, what don't you understand?

And that reminds me, while my stash has me all mellow,

Don't think I forgot about you, prominent lawyer Theresa Caballero.

Running for the bench will put your prominence on a diet

Judges can't be vocal, they have to keep quiet!

Almost done now, I have to get back to my jale,

and then I think I'll send David K a dozen hot tamales.

Its getting sorta lonely out here being the blogger one and only,

I miss all the fighting with my goofy white Republican homie.

Corruption has plagued El Paso for years now, too long,

Lets send those criminals to federal prison, were their asses belong.

So come Election Day go vote no matter the hour,

And remember what LionStar says...Speak Truth to Power!